I recognize that cry. It is strained and fearful. It wakes me out of deepest sleep. It causes my heart to ache.
He is awake. Sitting up in his crib, his head being shoved down by some unexplainable force. He is frightened and he is seeking comfort. He seems so small. So helpless. In between seizures he cries for me. His speech interrupted by the next surge. I go to him. I hold him as his body tightens and releases repeatedly. I pray. I pray harder still.
The ache in my heart deepens as I pray for his healing and continue to believe that God is faithful and that he can heal my youngest boy. Continuing to ask for wisdom, I attempt to understand what could be the purpose in a child having seizures since infancy. God must have a purpose in all of this. I ask myself, there is a purpose, right? My baby suffers. The doctors say the seizures are not painful. I want to believe this. I am pained. Pained by the confusion this brings, pained by his lack of understanding. Pained to give him prescribed medication since infancy in an effort to control these seizures. I am left questioning. wondering…why?
We prayed for him in the womb and continue to pray. Protection, healing, life without disease, or seizures. We have believed and hoped and dreamed. We have seen healing take place. We had many months that he experienced no seizures. We had no medication to give, and only God to thank. This miracle astounded doctors, leaving them speechless. A bonafide miracle. God manifested His goodness in this little boys life. And then one day, without warning, the seizures came back. Subtle at first. Yet, we recognized them. An unwelcome acquaintance. The subtle re-entry quickly changed. And suddenly, they were fiercer than before.
In the medical world, seizure disorders can be complex and perplexing. They are all different, with varying symptoms and different physiological responses. It is so hard to see a child suffer in this way. To see them being controlled by some force. I feel helpless. And again I ask, why?
Neurologists, pediatricians, cardiologists, ophthalmologists, pharmacists, EEG’s, MRI’s, EKG’s, medications, dietary changes, occupational therapy. The tiring list goes on. That question rises to the surface again, why?
God, I know You are a good. I know You heal. I know You restore. I have seen it, experienced it, lived it. And as I seek healing for my son, I often wonder why he is still suffering. Why? And I remember that You are good. No matter what my understanding may be, You are good. As I read in your Psalms, especially Psalm 139 I am reminded that nothing is hidden from You, oh God. You know every detail of my little man’s body and mind. Every nerve ending, every cell is familiar to You. Keep us in perfect peace as we walk through the uncertainties in this temporal life. We continue to seek you, seek Your healing touch.